You Might Be a Diet Coke Addict If…

The company I work for provides “free” cokes to its employees. They’re not technically free because you’re supposed to put a donation in a jar that goes to the Boys and Girls Club at the end of each year. But whatever, it’s not like you’re sticking $60 in the coke machine. Anyway, we were out of Diet Coke this morning and I had a fleeting moment of panic. I was quickly comforted, however, when I realized I just happened to have an extra 12-pack laying in the back seat of my car. Then I realized that’s insane. I’m still drinking the Diet Coke I got out of the car while all the other Diet Coke drinkers around here are dealing with Sprite Zero. It gave me an idea for a blog post, though. So, without further ado, you might be a diet coke addict if…

10. You’ve been able to redeem Coke Rewards points for multiple items including a $50 Sephora gift card and a subscription to O Magazine.

9. You choose a restaurant based on whether they serve Coke or Pepsi products.

8. After five hours of working out, you pop open a cold one while everyone else truly rehydrates with Gatorade and water.

7. You wake up thirsty in the middle of the night, slam one, and then fall right back to sleep.

6. One of your most vivid memories involves the way your Diet Coke tasted after a long hike on a hot summer afternoon.

5. You can taste the difference between Caffeine Free Diet Coke and real Diet Coke. Chick-Fil-A will sometimes try to sneak some unleaded in your cup.

4. You bring your own Diet Coke when you travel or visit friends just in case they don’t have any where you’re going or the off chance you might drink all that’s there.

3. Your friends (and their parents) stock up on Diet Coke if they know you’re coming.

2. You crack one open first thing in the morning.

1. You’re keeping the secret stash in your car to yourself, even though you know there are other addicts who might even pay you for one.

Plastic Surgery Alternative

This evening while I was on the phone with Kristin, she walked in the bathroom to discover that sweet little Will had unrolled an entire roll of toilet paper and was playing with it. She attempted to save the pieces that were still usable and told him he would be using those. I immediately had a flashback to 1988 when my sister Emily and I found ourselves in a similar situation.

I'm not really sure what we were playing, but during a make believe session, Emily and I decided we needed bigger ta ta's than our 7 and 5 year old baby lumps. Our creative little minds decided stuffing our shirts with an entire roll of toilet paper would do the trick. We flaunted our eco-friendly enhancements and like any good like girls, threw them away when we were finished playing. Little did we know that would not be the end. I distinctly remember the day my mom came upstairs and discovered the big black garbage bag filled with our surgical waste. Mom was furious! Not only did we have to shamefully admit what we had used the huge bag of toilet paper for, we had to use the entire bag until it was gone. I'm pretty sure I found a way to NOT use the wadded up falsies, but it sure did teach me a lesson...at least for like 10 years.

Being the middle sister definitely had its challenges, but it also had its advantages, too. I seemed to have a magical ability to be best friends with one sister and turn her against the other with little difficulty at all. Depending on what type of mood I was in, I was best friends with the cooler older sister or buddied up with the adventurous and somewhat sneaky little sister. Most of the time the little sister and I were ganged up against the older one. One particular day Mandy (little) got the brilliant idea to surprise Emily (older) with some fun...decorations in her room. I'm pretty sure we used more than just one roll of toilet paper to cover her room. Again, my mom did not appreciate the work of art we created and our punishment was to clean up the toilet paper, making sure kept the pieces together so that we could use what we had wasted. And just like last time, I'm pretty sure I didn't use toilet paper from a garbage bag. And just like before, we still didn't learn our lesson.

A few years later, Mandy and I got the urge to give Emily another surprise entranace to her room. We found every single pair of panties and every bra she owned and carefully draped them on her ceiling fan and other various locations in her room. We rigged the fan up so that when she flipped the light switch it would turn on at the highest speed possible. To make sure the effects of our efforts would be pure awesome, we tried it out...more than a few times. I will never forget the sight of those 36 DD's flying across the room. Emily didn't seem to enjoy it as much as we did. I'm pretty sure we got punished. My mom made us wear the bras and panties we had scattered across Emily's room. Just kidding, but that would have been an evil punishment for my then little B cups.

Upon closer examination of my childhood pranks, we might be able to conclude that I have what some might refer to as "boob envy". Clearly, I wanted some when I was five. And at 15 I was jealous of Emily's so I punished her bras for being so big. Emily is two years older than I am and she was an early bloomer. I relentlessly harassed her and my mom always said that I would be punished for being so mean to her. I would consider being a -A cup punishment enough. Since I'm not willing to pay for enhancements, maybe I should revisit the idea of the economic alternative I came up with as a kindergartener.